HEALTH SCARE BILL

As we are entering this bold new era of Government control of every aspect of our lives, the Health Care Crisis is of course taking center stage. Many ideas are being bandied about to confront the problem and one that got my attention was the need for citizens to practice their own preventive medicine by living healthier lives. One pundit suggested that losing weight would make us all healthier and that may be. Hillary Clinton at one time suggested a “Fat Tax”. As if fat people don’t already have enough problems. I would like to address this problem with some concrete suggestions that may help to ease the Health Care Crisis.

As we age and our metabolisms begin to slow, our waistbands start to shrink and our feet get harder to see, we may be excused for becoming somewhat stymied by our weight gain and how in the wide, wide world of sports to get it under control. I admit that I am somewhat obsessed by the subject of diets and certainly the need for one that really works.

I’ve come up with 2 that I think are sure-fire winners and I imagine I’ll need a stick to keep the potential “diet book” publishers at bay when they hear what I have going.

Diet #1 “THE UPPER CRUST DIET”
I can’t take full credit for this concept but I will anyway. Once a few years back we lunched with some very hoity-toity friends at their huge mansion before our semi-monthly croquet match. These people are so rich that they buy and sell companies with household names like the rest of us buy and sell Monopoly Game properties. Their giant Neo-Gothic home was immaculately kept and before us was spread a repast fit for Royalty.

This house was in the priciest part of Los Angeles; Bel Air. The guest list was all Celebrities, Bankers, Lawyers, Heirs to large fortunes, Captains of Industry and Manufacturing, Railroad and Mining Tycoons. Beverly Hills is like the slums compared to this rarified part of L.A..

Of course in L.A., the obsession with weight and diets and crazy exercise plans is epidemic. Being in front of the camera for Photo Shoots for Publicity and Magazine spreads, many of the guests had to starve themselves constantly. The cameras add between 20 to 40 pounds, so this was a constant problem.

Anyway, we were just sitting down to lunch when the Host and Hostesse’s little Asian house-boy came by lugging a 100 pound sack of flour for the month’s baking and cooking needs. As he passed by our beautifully laden luncheon table I couldn’t help but notice his svelte physique. On his third trip with the last 100 pound sack of meal, I’d finally ponied up the courage and pulled him aside and asked him what his dieting secret was.

“Mista, da secret to keeping yoh weight down is to do what I do. Everytime I eat a slice of bread, I always cut off dah upper crust. It amazing!! I nevah evah gain weight. Just add up all dah calories you saves in one yeah if you does dis.” He gave me a polite smile and a nod, excused himself and returned to his yard duty of hand rolling the croquet lawn with the one-ton roller in preparation for the afternoon’s leisure activities. One can’t be expected to play croquet on a bumpy surface.

FYI: I once asked a very wise person why members of the elite classes are referred to as the “Upper Crust”. He scratched his head and looked at me in a conspiratorial fashion, and said quietly, “It’s because they’re a bunch of crumbs held together by dough”

Diet#2 “THE BITE-SIZE DIET”
Now this is actually a diet I can take full credit for. You start by counting the number of bites of food you eat during a week. This is your baseline. Now, simply reduce the number of bites you take by one per week. Keep this up faithfully and in 5 year’s time you’ll have lost a respectable amount of weight, and not rapidly, but slowly and healthfully. This way you are not as apt to regain said weight.

Now, when you reach your target weight, write down the number of bites of food you are consuming that week, stick with that number and, voila, you’ll automatically maintain your goal weight. It’s amazing, how simple and easy it can be.

With any luck I might get Oprah to try one of these plans and then, the sky’s the limit. I’m just trying to do my part in resolving the Health Care Crisis.

{Please be sure to contact your physician or health care provider before embarking on these or any other diet plans. Caution: dieting may cause extreme hunger, irritability, nervousness, grouchiness, anger, frustration, desire to hurt others, uncontrolled cursing, sleeplessness, weakness, dizziness, fainting spells, heart palpitations, jumpiness, changes in natural functions, giddiness, stomach pain, feelings of grief, sadness, loss of hope, irrational desires for fattening foods, fantasies, dreams of eating, sleep eating, late-night eating followed by periods of shame and sorrow, promises, feelings of failure, feelings of worthlessness, renewed hope, more feelings of failure, more promises, sudden outbursts at strangers, uncontrolled laughter in supermarket checkout lines, involuntary driving, late-night fast food restaurant binges, shame and guilt, more promises, irrational hope for diets that actually work, ordering of diet products after viewing info-mercials, disgust, disdain, morbid thoughts, on-line ordering of exercise equipment, crushed hopes, broken dreams, e-bay sessions to sell exercise equipment.}

(c) Slade’s Diets Limited Liability Corporation

Global Warning Too

As I was snapping open my 4th Malt Liquor of the morning it suddenly occurred to me that I had omitted perhaps the most grievous offender of our Earth’s atmosphere: The Fizzy Drink!!!! As any child knows (actually given the level of ignorance of our youth they may not) or as several people on the planet are aware, the Fizzy Drink is given its PZZAZZ with that nasty, nasty substance, CO2. I actually only imbibe Malt Liquor for the fizziness, i.e. the bubbles. It’s quite addictive, a little known and carefully hushed up fact about the killer chemical, CO2.

As our beloved Ho sang, “Tiny bubbles in my brain, make me feel happy, make me feel sane.” If that isn’t the classic cry of a CO2 addict, I’ll drink another Malt Liquor. Of course, much of that CO2 is released directly into the atmosphere upon the opening of containers containing Fizzy Drinks. Then the drink itself, sits around releasing yet more noxious waste into our atmosphere. Finally, the CO2 which actually makes it into the gullet of the drinker is eventually, and even sometimes immediately, released in the forms which we discussed at length in Part I of “Global Warning”; the bodily eructions. Factor in the practical jokers who shake the cans and bottles containing this deadly substance (as any child knows…..well take my word for it, too much CO2 will kill a human, let alone pollute a planet) and cause mass release of CO2 upon opening.

A strict across the board ban of all Fizzy Drinks is in order. This should be enforced on a Global Scale, from “Pakola” in the East, to “Fizzy Bubblech” in the Middle East and any and all of the dozens of carbonated beverages sold in the West. This ban would include all beers, soft drinks, all fizzy alchoholic and non-alchoholic drinks alike. This would also cut down on the number of injuries incurred at celebrations World-Wide wherein the opening of “Sparkling Wine” or “Champagne” is done carelessly and corks are ejected at light-speed into ocular cavities, groins and other delicate areas of the human anatomy.

Of course there will be a back-lash of protest, especially from the youngsters who are all hopelessly addicted to the Fizzies. They will howl, they will scream, they will argue, increasing the amount of their own personally generated CO2. This should not be tolerated, and if not for the legal implications involved, I would recommend duct tape as a cure.

Finally, I heard back from my readers (Mom, Dad, my Wife and crazy Uncle Jack who lives in a van down by the river) and they wondered why I had not taken our Auto Industry to task over the massive pollution which is caused by their product. Simple: early on in my research, I spoke with a high Automobile Industry official about the amounts of CO2 that Cars and Trucks are releasing daily into the atmosphere.

First, he pointed out that with 50,000 people being killed yearly in Traffic Accidents, that the Industry might be considered a net Carbon Reducer, given the fact that all those humans had been spewing CO2, 24/7 until the time of their vehicular demise. As impressive as that sounded I still wasn’t completely swayed.

But, the final statistic he showed me was the most convincing of all. He pulled a smallish rectangular shaped piece of paper from a sheaf. On the top right hand side of the paper was a small line where he wrote the date. Under that to the left was a line where he wrote my name. Next to that was a small space with a $ where he wrote the number 1 followed by a lot of zeros. Below my name was a line where he re-wrote the number in longhand. There was a small space which said: memo. In that he wrote, “Consulting Fee” and then carefully signed the piece of paper and handed it to me.

I whistled softly to myself as I looked at the staggering figure. That was indeed an impressive statistic. I thanked the man quietly, folded the paper and inserted it into my briefcase and said my goodbyes, wishing him and the entire Auto Industry a happy and prosperous year.

Global Warning

As I write this it is hotter than Al Gore’s odor-eaters outside. Is this normal? For mid-July? I don’t think so. Apparently before cows started breaking wind and people started using incandescent light-bulbs there was a wondrously cool time here on Planet Earth. It was called “The Ice Age”.

Frankly, except for having no food, I would probably have enjoyed it; shussing down glaciers to get to work at the salt mines, plenty of ice for my yak-butter ice tea and no need to worry about the lawn.

The current concerns over Co2 emissions is very worrying. There are so many causes of this noxious gas that it will be a real challenge for the Obama Administration to tackle the problem, as they have repeatedly promised. There are, however several no-brainer fixes to the problem.

A) Either make it illegal for people and animals to breathe or tax each breath. We humans put out a disgusting amount of Co2 with every breath. So does Fido and the wild dingo. Also, exercise should be outlawed as that increases the breathing rate, and we might as well outlaw sexual activity as it has been known to cause heavy breathing. Cow farts have for too long been unfairly blamed for the problem.

B) That brings up the next solution. Make it illegal to fart or belch or levy heavy fines on said activities. Sadly, this will adversely impact the poorer countries whose root-vegetable diets and massive intake of garlic and onions causes them to eruct in a disproportionate amount as compared to your average American.

Case in point: When I was a child living in Pakistan, my Father used to chase our Houseman around the house spraying his butt with *Glade Air Freshener (*A Johnson Family Co. Covering up stinks with worse smells for almost a century and polluting on a massive scale). Admittedly my Father was a man of delicate sensibilities, but on the other hand our Bearer’s farts could peel paint off walls. So here is firm anecdotal proof that the rest of the world should be paying more for polluting more with their bodily exhalations.

So, there we have it. Man is the enemy, we all know that. As Pogo the cartoon character once summed up, “We have met the enemy and he is us.”

A curb or tax on farting and belching would benefit everyone at home and abroad. If you support our President and the new Global Warming Initiatives instituted by the wise men and women governing our country, you will tighten your cheeks and refrain from breaking wind at either end. It’s your patriotic duty. Don’t think you can? Barack Obama would disagree and say, “Yes, you can….yes, you can.”

P.S.: I forgot, try not to breathe more than is absolutely necessary. If not for us, do it for the children

FULL COURT PRESS

It has been brought to this reporter’s attention that not everyone likes hearing about Obama on a daily basis. Though I find that difficult to believe, I say give the consumers what they want. Therefore, today’s subject shall not be the long, droning Press Conference which our fearless leader gave to a spellbound AMERICA; even though it was tremendously annoying given the fact that the Press Conference pre-empted my favorite TV shows, “Big Bang Theory”, “How I Met Your Mother” and “Worst Week”. No instead I shall concentrate on the overall terrible state of the Fourth Estate, i.e., the Press and peripherally some of the other politicians who manage to rankle yours truly.

The dumbing down of AMERICA is a solidly established fact, much like the existence of Sasquatch, or the Yeti. In fact, I sat next to a Sasquatch in High School who insisted on copying my work to the point of writing my name at the top of his own test papers. I think this fellow now runs Homeland Security. The sad thing about a whole entire country getting stupid is that nagging question; do stupid people realize they are stupid? I think not. You don’t have to look far to find evidence of this devolution of the species. Wander through any Wal-Mart at any hour of the day and you will be elbow to elbow with the product of a severely deficient system of education. Frankly, it’s not the fault of the educators, it’s the fault of the clodhoppers who take up space in the chairs in the classrooms. Abraham Lincoln didn’t have a computer lab or a cell-phone and probably no hot lunch. But he persevered; that’s the stuff that made AMERICA great. Having no electric light at home to study by he had to do his homework by the light of a small television screen. But he overcame.

On the other hand, kids today are virtual rocket-scientists in the area of sex education. They are taught how to Google themselves at an early age, are provided the KY jelly and rubber gloves to perform the delicate operation and carefully programmed to accept the notion that you are probably “wack” if you’re not experimenting with small farm animals. Sexting, the latest juvenile craze will soon pale in comparison to the next wacky kid-inspired idea.

Also, we’re raising a generation of violence loving, soulless creatures with blood lust that outdoes even their lust for each others tingly parts. “Happy Slapping”, “Bum Bashing”, “Paki-Whacking”, “Ultimate-Fighting”, “Tomato Skin Whipping”, “Booger-Flinging”, “Ear-wax Smudging” and the old standby, “Spitballing” have all been the product of the creative urges of the young. Hitler and Mao understood these urges and channeled them into their own political designs. Maybe it’s just as well that our laser-tagging, paint-balling, Grand-Theft Autoing youths are as contained as they are. (Anyway, I digress; it could be something I ate).

I always like to wrap up my diatribes with a good anecdote. The point I’ve been trying to make is that the people of this country are no smarter or stupider than the people they see on a daily basis on the boob-tube. A couple of years ago, I watched an episode of “Celebrity Jeopardy”. The “Celebrity” guests were Tim Russert, Christine Todd Whitman and Bernard Shaw. That is 2 highly respected Television Journalists and the Governor of the great state of New Jersey if you don’t recognise the names.

Now of course, all episodes of “Celebrity Jeopardy” are dumbed-down to the point that your average grass-hopper can guess the right answer, and this episode was no different. The Q’s and A’s were definitely at about a third grade elementary school level. This would not be so disturbing if the guests had been say, Rock Stars (notorious idiots), Models (brain-damaged from barfing), or Sports Stars (brain-damaged from sports). But these are people who should be challenged above the average contestant, not below. Tim Russert (may he rest in peace) was touted as the smartest journalist in the business, Bernard Shaw the runner-up and Christine Todd Whitman ran an entire state government for goodness sake and not some backwater state but New Jersey.

I settled myself into my easy chair to watch these mental giants wrestle cranium-cracking questions. What I saw in the first 2 minutes made me switch off the TV in disgust.

Alex Trebec: “What ancient ruler who had conquered all of the known world by the age of 33, sat down and wept because there were no new worlds to conquer?”

Panel: Dead Silence………………

Alex Trebec: “Alexander the Great” (duh)

Next question,

Alex Trebec: “What do the initials AC and DC stand for?” ***

Panel: Dead Silence…………………

Alex Trebec: “Alternating and Direct Current”

Poor Alex, rolled his eyes, sighed and promptly hung himself using the tie his mother had picked out for him that morning.

Mongo Slade
Reporter at Large

*** (if you the reader answered an 80’s Rock Band, deduct 20 points from your IQ)

THE LAST STRAW

Personally, I think the Democrats and the Liberal media have put us in a depression. Every election cycle the two entities join forces and scare the public with doom and gloom stories about the economy. Remember Billy Boy’s “It’s the economy stupid”. Well the economy was fine then and even better under George W.. But fear will bring about a self-fulfilling spiral down. I think this time the 2 forces overplayed their hand.

Of course, housing went in the crapper. The liar loans and sub-prime mortgage meltdown did their dirty work, but economies are
cyclical, just like the weather. In the 80’s the bubble burst and a bank a week went belly-up for over a year. Nobody talks about that. Mainly, spec-buyers got burned. All investments carry risk, even the perennial favorite, Real Estate. Sanity dictated that prices had to self-correct.

The auto industry deserves to go out of business, They knew in the 1970’s that fuel economy was issue number one for then and all time. They have done nothing in the last 30 years to address the problem.

But the frightening thing is that the powers that be, i.e. the Democrats now are unstoppable. They will bring this country to its
knees with higher taxes, more welfare and entitlements for those people who don’t contribute to the system and less for those who do. Transfer of wealth is the stated goal of Obama. Afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted.

The Octuplet Mother has galvanized the country, because she symbolizes the insanity of a system that rewards people for completely irresponsible behavior. I watch a lot of the “Judge Shows”. Many of the litigants are welfare chiselers. Many are women with multiple children, unwed, no father around and carrying on the legacy of generational welfare. Some receive SSI for “disabilities”. Even “Depression” is considered a disability. I would like to get some crazy money because I am depressed, too depressed to work. If I am asked why I am too depressed to work, I will say “Working depresses me”.

I have no problem with a legitimate safety-net for people who deserve help. But paying women to have children results in unfit women having children. It would be cheaper to pay them not to have children and cause far less long term societal problems. If we paid people to raise hamsters, they would raise hamsters.

I’m going to run for President on the platform of paying women to not have children. Also, for a one time giant tax refund for childless couples. The bulk of my tax dollars go to educate today’s hapless
youth. I don’t think I’m getting enough for my money.

Mongo Slade
Reporter at Large